Match(.com) is Not a Match

Online dating. What a farce. It's a soul sucking experience. And it will, without fail, deplete any confidence you may have once had about your ability to attract the opposite sex. Here's why I believe this to be true:

These people are fools.

I've been on Match.com three separate times and at one point, in 2006, I was on eHarmony and Match at the same time. It was a full time job! I'd work a 10-12 hour day, come home, stuff some fat-girl pasta in my face and then go online from 8-11pm looking for a suitable date. In case you are lucky enough to never have had to endure this experience, allow me to explain the differences between the two sites.

Match.com is a meet (read: meat) market. You sign up, browse, and wink at people you may find attractive or funny. Eventually you email them and wait for a reply. Usually the guys I liked were too cool to ask me out or, I assume, they were busy dating the however many other hundreds of girls. Without boring you with details (and please note Match.com's slogan is "You can look for free"), the pickin's were slim.

eHarmony requires you to fill out a questionnaire that is 1,000 questions long and sucks up 4 hours of your life minimum. When you finally arrive at the "meeting" portion of the website, you have to answer lengthy essay questions before even being able to chat with someone you may or may not even like. It's A LOT of work - and too much thinking, if you ask me. I always say, you can't see brains across a room. You're either attracted to someone physically or not - that's human nature. If you're at a cocktail party or a bar, and you see someone across the room who gives you that little butterfly feeling in your groin (I know you know what I'm talking about people!) then you make things happen, you go over and talk to them, flirt - the whole 9 yards. If not, you ignore them and hope they don't do something stupid like come up and talk to you and then you're forced to pretend to be nice so as not to embarrass them.

Anyway, back to the online dating nonsense. I eventually gave up on eHarmony because it wasn't producing good results. I met an Englishman who I went out with a few times. He was aggressive. I think he must have dated hookers or escorts because he was super naughty. There's a time and place for that, but that time is not on the first or second date. If he'd had it his way we would have been in the sack right after dinner and remained there until we tired of each other mentally and physically. I blame his accent, it threw me off - is there anything more charming than a proper English accent? But I quickly realized he was not after my heart, only my... well, need I say more? I think not.

On Match I found a guy who was from English heritage... born and raised in a swanky part of CT, went to a good prep school and a top tier college. These stats aren't necessarily important, but we came from a similar backgrounds which is hard to find on Match - and, we had a few acquaintances in common. I figured I had struck online dating gold. An issue I often had with online dating is that it's hard to connect to people who don't share any commonalities with you like schools, clubs or friends. You're working with too clean a slate - the feeling is almost, where do I start? Who are you? And people will pretend to be what they aren't. I've learned that lesson too many times the hard way. With online dating there is no sense of accountability. When you meet someone through friends there are few starting points, like the friend who set you up, or friends of friends who you can either rag on or figure out what you have in common through the friend. You catch my drift.

1 in 5 Match couples
get married my a$$!

So here's a story about one guy I met on Match. Let's call him Ben. He had a mess of wavy blond hair, clear blue eyes, was chubby but adorably so, loved golf, drank too much (which is always a good time in my book), and was really, really funny. I don't remember who contacted who first on the website, but I do recall a rather awkward phone call taking place where neither of us really knew what to say other than to establish a time and place to meet. He took me to great places, we made each other laugh, enjoyed our time together... or did "we"? This was over the summer so golf outings were normal and Ben had a house on the Cape where he spent time with his family. Over a 6 week time frame Ben was gone every weekend, either on business trips or to the Cape, playing golf. He told me early on that he wanted to "fly us up there for the weekend. You'll love it. I want you to meet my sister." I thought, 'finally! I think I'm in a relationship.' Who invites someone to their summer home with family hanging around if they don't mean it. Well, as I quickly discovered - this guy did! That's who.  As the weeks went on we saw less of each other but texted constantly. I started to realize, but didn't want to admit, that this was 1) not exclusive and B) not what I wanted at all. I was hurt that he didn't call me and that we didn't really go out anymore. We texted but those are impersonal if you really/actually like someone. Finally I'd had enough of the lameness and lies and bulls!t. I cut it off by refusing to reply to his texts and lame emails. I didn't understand what went wrong - we had so much fun together! Why was it so hard for him to just relax and get to know me? I wasn't asking to get married, jeez. I just wanted a date to a wedding at the end of the summer and some companionship. IS THAT A CRIME?!?! Apparently, it is.

Skip to 2 months later. An email pops up in my Inbox. It's from Ben. I'm all... what the...? It said - and here's the kicker, folks...

"Sorry things didn't work out. I guess I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I'm Peter Pan and I'll probably never grow up. Hope you're well.  -Ben"

WTF?! No, I certainly am not well. Who IS this ass clown? PETER PAN?! Oh no he di-ent! (finger snapping, neck twisting...)

Even Peter Pan was offended.

It took every ounce of self respect, decorum and mental back flips to NOT write a scathing email back to Ben and tell him what I really thought of him. I've heard a lot of excuses but to compare yourself to the innocent boy wonder lovingly known as Peter Pan was an all time low. He didn't deserve a response. He was not worthy. I knew that, yet I still wanted to let it rip. But I didn't. I held back and stood on firm ground. I would not let him get the best of me. I would not let him know I cared. And really, in the end, I was mostly disappointed that THIS was the hand I'd been dealt, that this guy was a "catch" within the online dating world. I resolved myself to never dating online again and was back to being 99% confident I'd never find a suitable man to be in a relationship with. I gave up. Good riddance.

= Devil's spawn.


Oh, you didn't think that was the end of the story, did you? No, no. Ben came back for more. He couldn't resist, I suppose. They rarely can. I've found that as soon as that "boy who got away" is safely out of your mind and/or heart for good - they slip right back into your conscious mind and contact you. Like a dog to a bone, they know where to find you and where to dig. So a year later Ben was back to toy with my emotions. But this time I was ready. He found me on Facebook. We had never become FB friends while we dated - you rarely do when you first start dating someone because you want to avoid the inevitable de-friending when you break up. I let his friend request linger for a few days. Did I really want him seeing all my pictures and wall posts? Not really, but then the curiosity got the best of me and I accepted. But I vowed to not be the first to make contact. (This is a sick and twisted thought pricess, no?) The next week Ben sent me an instant message over FB. He asked how I was, and - get this!!! APOLOGIZED for being such a jerk to me all that time ago. At first I was surprised and quite pleased - there is some hope for these morons, I thought. But then he went on to recount our various dates and without going into too much detail... it went downhill quickly. He just wanted a trip down our sexy time memory lane. 

I did get the last laugh though. I signed off saying; 'Dear Peter Pan, I never wanted to be your Tinkerbell. Have a good life.'

And with that, I de-friended him.